Mambo Monday

Starting another week on my so-called "inability" leave - instead of the more commonly known disability leave :-) But today, I saw glimpses of why I took the time off to begin with. After having missed a few doses of remeron, I had feelings of anxiety and frustration at common tasks. My mind was rushing off untethered. Both feelings I had when I was working, and both feelings that played a substantial part in my underwhelming job performance. I did a pretty good job of keeping my emotions in check and slowing down the pace of my activities as I am recently learning to do, but it didn't do much for me in terms of feeling very good or whole. I got distracted with small things and got frustrated. I'll have to say that despite the remeron making me sleep so much, it was working to some degree.
I went to the doctor today and told him about my concern of weight gain induced by medication. Here's his answer - yes, you guessed it - more medication. Another pill to counteract the weight gain caused by remeron. But I'll humor him. I want this to be over with once and for all, and for better or worse, the remeron does seem to work. I did check my weight before I left the doctor's office. It is around 210 lbs. Only a pound or two over my normal weight, so there's really nothing to worry about. I'll still take the pills, however. As long as I'm aware of what I'm doing, I don't believe I'm at any risk of dependency.
On my way back to from the doctor, I experienced, for the first time after taking off from work, some desire to go back to work. I have got my medical leave extended, but I am trying to think in terms of this being my final extension of leave. As I was driving back, my mind went back to work and career, and how to make the most of what I've managed to achieve. I also didn't cringe at the thought of going back to work and being around so many people. I've also realized that I am the sort of person that likes to work on his own. I don't know if working in a team brings out the best in me. I did a superb job on my training assigment, an individual project, when I started my job. Another good example of my achievements while in solitude is the amazing jump I have experienced in my guitar expertise. In the last 10 days I have spent hours playing guitar, completely on my own, and I have gained a lot of confidence. The improvement has been nothing short of spectacular.
I may talk to Tyler, my boss, sometime this week. I think I want to pick his brain on how best to maximize my talent. Assuming I work well in solitude, I may be able to twist his arm into getting me a small independent project, or one with maybe two or three people at the most. Of course, it is entirely possible that my company may not want to continue my employment after I return. Which is a bridge I will cross when I get to it. Funnily enough, the prospect of termination does not make me apprehensive; if anything, it will be more motivation for me to effect a career change.
An idea I have had in recent days is to enroll in a PhD program. Makes the best use of working in solitude and perhaps will be a way out of, or a welcome addition to my expertise in, IT.