You, Me, and It

If I say so myself, I think it is quite admirable to go six or more months writing about my life, and yet devote so little time to writing about my relationships. So, without further ado, here we go.

The "It" reference in the title denotes the entity that two people create together, the "relationship". I want to focus on dating in general and intimacy in particular. I feel that men treat intimacy as a way of getting to know someone, whereas women treat it as something they do after the getting-to-know-you part is somewhat complete in their minds. Even though the separation between the man's and woman's approach can be fuzzy, men seem to be biologically and emotionally different from women on the subject of intimacy.

Nothing exemplifies this difference more than sex.

A woman I am dating now is someone I have dated before, been friends with, and been somewhere in between. This is someone with whom I have had reservations because of our past, but since we had felt close to each other in the past and I was enjoying our time together, I broached the question of our getting together again as a couple. I asked the question merely to find out about her feelings in context of the good times we had spent together in recent days. Since the feeling was mutual, we decided jointly to give dating another try.

However, when our relationship was consummated (I am using the word "consummated" loosely), I discovered a different side to her. All of a sudden, it would seem, her expectations skyrocketed. I was now expected to spend significant amounts of time with her. That in itself is not so bad, because I'm looking for someone to settle down with eventually, and there are things we have in common that are difficult to overlook. But when I was expected to explain what I was doing in her absence, and explain why I needed to sometimes have my own plans separate from her, I felt like I was being smothered, and that my schedule and words did not get enough respect. The reason for my need for privacy was that even though I felt close to her, I felt that I was still getting to know her from a dating standpoint (something that, I must confess, didn't happen when we first dated). But she felt like the consummation of the relationship meant that she had "completed" the process of getting to know me.

We both have our sides to this, of course. But my side remains that, with the passage of time in this phase, there would be a natural progression or continuum to things, and if things work out, we would end up committing to each other and making future plans.
Her side is not to be discounted: a woman needs to feel secure in a relationship and needs to have some advance idea of where things are headed. Admittedly in her interest of not getting hurt, she made some time for herself to take a break from seeing me.

While I do not feel like I need a break, I do feel that we need to work on the pacing of our relationship.I have been quite clear that if things go well, we have fun times, and our indivudual lives are respected, I will have no problem making future plans. However, in the interest of not appearing to make her a promise that I cannot keep, I can't spell those words to her, but I can urge her to see my actions over a few weeks or months and decide for herself.

I have tried a few times and in several different ways to explain this, but it hasn't seemed to carry much weight so far. I think the question is of trust and of control. I haven't felt in control of my life and the repeated requests made in vain have caused a loss of trust. This can easily be corrected by recent actions. The cliche comes to mind, "What have you done for me lately". If we can start having good times without being burdened by untimely or misaligned expectations, the past will soon be forgotten.

This discussion begs another question: Is the "modern" American woman in any way different from a "traditional" Indian woman? The woman I am dating seems to me to be as "conservative" (which is not a criticism!) as the sterotypical Indian woman (Aside: In some ways the Indian woman is more progressive!). Maybe if you're emotionally involved with someone, you want to spend every minute with them. So does this mean I'm not emotionally involved with her, since I'm asking for so much privacy? I miss her when she's not here and I think with affection about the good times I've had with her.

Here are some pressing questions for me: Are my signals confusing? Are my messages mixed? Am I trying too hard to avoid getting hurt, and therefore robbing myself of an opportunity?