Prologue

Ok, this is getting started on my fight for survival. Or whatever it is. I will write down my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to establish a pattern of thinking that, hopefully, can be corrected.

3/13/06 05:30 pm - Missed a backhand and threw the racket again. The racket was already broken from an earlier episode and this time, the string broke too. After tennis was over, I slammed my racket to the ground several times and it was smashed beyond recognition. I threw it in the garbage. I don't think I'll throw rackets any more. It's expensive! Besides, it doesn't help the game anyway.
3/14/06 12:15 pm - sleepy. anxious about the insurance claim check for the car rims. Feeling isolated from the world. Looking for ways to get "out" more without expectations of anything. Don't like being on disability - I really don't think that's the problem anyway. But don't like the work either - truly I should be resigning if I can't find a way to do my job.

3/14/06 4:30 pm Played tennis today - my wrist hurt from the new demo racket. Wisely stopped playing after 1 hour. The game was good - I decided not to go for too much, and to watch the ball more carefully. More controlled swings and movement resulted in me being satisfied with my output today without being physically exhausted. Actually warmed up before the session and felt flexible during. I'm feeling somewhat more able to focus this afternoon - is the Strattera i started today taking effect already? I took Strattera in 2004 to good effect - stopped taking it because the 60mg dosage was making me very queasy. This time I've asked for a 25 mg dosage. Strattera was able to get me to be a little less anxious and "feel" more focused.

3/14/06 5:30 pm Y'know, this diary won't be in the same format each time. Right now I have something to say every few hours! One of the objectives of this exercise is to have less and less to say and process. That will leave my mind more at peace and with more room for other things. Over the last several months (and in general over several years), I've felt like my mind is crammed full of thoughts, feelings, and a lot of confusion. Feeling good this afternoon. I feel focused and able to concentrate on one thing. Tea is on the stove and I hit a good guitar note today. I'm not able to play quite as fast but I sound a lot more convincing.

3/14/06 8:50 pm Went to a beginning tango class at Allegro. Came back with cramps in my left shoulder - but the class was fairly ok. We learnt sacadas. I wasn't thrilled with the teacher's method. It wasn't very intuitive. But will definitely go back if I have the chance. Will end the day watching tennis at Indian Wells, and some classical guitar.