OK more psych ward.
An overarching theme in my life and what I see of this world has been the need for approval.
This runs in so many layers buried in the psyche and is a quagmire and a half.
There is this need to be recognized at so many levels. and I'm sick of feeling it all the time. Can one turn this desire off?
It stops me from achieving anything. The need for people "to see (how good I'm at) what I'm doing" is so paralyzing that I never get anything off the ground because it will be a "waste of time" for people to see me as average, no good, incomplete, not special, not noteworthy etc etc.
So I'm always dreaming of doing this great thing in secret and then revealing it to the world in a stunning fashion. So people would be wowed and I'd finally be a star. In the meantime I can't get started because I don't want people to find out.
People this, people that. How tiresome. And where do I start? Every part of my thinking is riddled with this confusion.
I've spent countless hours constructing negative, imaginary conversations with people around me. Almost none of them result in a good feeling.
I've spent hours on Facebook and Linkedin and run across people's profiles which say all kinds of great things about them. "CFA". "Massachusetts Institute of Technology". "Works at Google." "This person has 8 recommendations". "I've known dickhead over here for a gazillion years and he's fucked all the women in accounting". "I went to Italy!" "I travel the world dancing tango everywhere and look at all the money I must have that I can afford it." What happened to me?
I need a mentor, an advisor of some sort. To comfort me and tell me I'm on the right track. Or just tell me not to try so hard, or that I'm ok the way I am. Or just say "I understand, I hear you, let's have a drink". But is that not again seeking approval - "approval" by way of comfort? Is comfort better than accolade? praise? the "OMG look at this!"?
I often take an action and then expect people to be mad. And sometimes people do. But is is really important?
I'm tired of it. Tired of being on the "losing" end. Winning and Losing. Why can't I deal with one and not the other?
Does the need for approval also translate into loneliness. Do we all not need approval at some point? Shades of Approval.
An overarching theme in my life and what I see of this world has been the need for approval.
This runs in so many layers buried in the psyche and is a quagmire and a half.
There is this need to be recognized at so many levels. and I'm sick of feeling it all the time. Can one turn this desire off?
It stops me from achieving anything. The need for people "to see (how good I'm at) what I'm doing" is so paralyzing that I never get anything off the ground because it will be a "waste of time" for people to see me as average, no good, incomplete, not special, not noteworthy etc etc.
So I'm always dreaming of doing this great thing in secret and then revealing it to the world in a stunning fashion. So people would be wowed and I'd finally be a star. In the meantime I can't get started because I don't want people to find out.
People this, people that. How tiresome. And where do I start? Every part of my thinking is riddled with this confusion.
I've spent countless hours constructing negative, imaginary conversations with people around me. Almost none of them result in a good feeling.
I've spent hours on Facebook and Linkedin and run across people's profiles which say all kinds of great things about them. "CFA". "Massachusetts Institute of Technology". "Works at Google." "This person has 8 recommendations". "I've known dickhead over here for a gazillion years and he's fucked all the women in accounting". "I went to Italy!" "I travel the world dancing tango everywhere and look at all the money I must have that I can afford it." What happened to me?
I need a mentor, an advisor of some sort. To comfort me and tell me I'm on the right track. Or just tell me not to try so hard, or that I'm ok the way I am. Or just say "I understand, I hear you, let's have a drink". But is that not again seeking approval - "approval" by way of comfort? Is comfort better than accolade? praise? the "OMG look at this!"?
I often take an action and then expect people to be mad. And sometimes people do. But is is really important?
I'm tired of it. Tired of being on the "losing" end. Winning and Losing. Why can't I deal with one and not the other?
Does the need for approval also translate into loneliness. Do we all not need approval at some point? Shades of Approval.
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